Why? or Harold Crick Questions the Author
Job has no idea he’s about to be subjected to the mother of all tests. He’s carrying on in his usual manner when a series of unfortunate events worse than anything that ever happened to the Baudelaire children disrupts his life. One after another, sole survivors bring Job increasingly worse news. As J.J. McQuade would say, “My kind of trouble doesn’t take vacations.”
Ethics or Frank Miller’s the Book of Judges
In the wake of Joshua’s death, Israel drops the Donny Donowitz routine and allows the surviving Canaanites to hang around. Even worse, they can’t resist a teen idol and Canaan is loaded with them. Soon every Israelite bedroom is decorated with posters of Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez and Demi Lavato. It only takes one generation for them to turn the Promised Land into a Mega-City One dystopia.
War or Colonel Kilgore Catches a Whiff of Napalm (And Likes It)
According to Scripture, even God has a Milton Waddams breaking point. Bad behavior always gets his attention—eventually. Also, don’t screw with his Swingline stapler. This usually results in a loss of property. That’s been his MO from the beginning. And yeah, sometimes offenders don’t make it out alive. Once again, we’re faced with God’s inexplicable timing. As Howard Beale would say, “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!”
40 or Bugs Bunny Takes a Wrong Turn in Albuquerque
Canaan is within striking distance, but what should’ve taken no more than a couple of weeks, turns into an epic four-decade hike in Emyn Muil. Israel goes in more circles than Frodo Baggins and Sam Gamgee. The old phrase “All who wander are not lost” is in serious question here. Their route is more embarrassing than when Spinal Tap got lost backstage in Cleveland.
LAW (PART DEUX) or Vincent Gambini Passes the Bar On His Sixth Attempt
Levitical law is kinda like a Kobayashi Maru test. The standard is simply too high. So what does Israel get out of the deal? According to the text, a sweet healthcare plan, topnotch security and a major real estate acquisition. On the flipside, breaking the rules will come back to bite them harder than Cujo.
LAW or Professor Charles W. Kingsfield Jr. Hands Out His First Dime
Abraham’s progeny have become larger and more diverse than the Uncanny X-Men and that means it’s time to set a few social standards for the community. When the Israelites left Egypt there was only one covenant rule, but at Sinai God dictates 613 new laws to Moses. This might be a good time for Doc Ostrow to break out the Krell educator. There’s a lot to think about here.
WORDS or Rules of the Department of Philosophy at the University of Walamaloo
Generally known as the Ten Commandments, the list isn’t nearly as intimidating as it sounds. The original Hebrew actually refers to it as the Ten Words and, like Columbus’ rules for surviving a zombie apocalypse, it strikes a fairly practical cord. Beware of bathrooms. Avoid strip clubs. Enjoy the little things. If you’re expecting a list of otherworldly demands an Asgardian couldn’t live up to, you’re in for a surprise.
EXODUS or Elwood and Jake Get the Band Back Together
God has a very particular set of skills. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like Pharaoh, but the exodus isn’t about God going on a Bryan Mills revenge kick. Yeah, Egypt is catching hell for its inhumane practices, but that’s not where Scripture puts the emphasis. According to the text, God is actually using the events to attract national media coverage. Seriously.
DREAMS or Mr. Spock Achieves Psionic Contact
The focus is now on Jacob’s favorite son, Joseph, a seventeen-year-old Manny Heffley who’s always tattling on his older brothers. Any time he finds a nudie magazine or catches them smoking pot behind the 7-Eleven, he runs and tells Daddy. To make matters worse, he brags to everyone about the dreams he has of them kowtowing to him.
WRESTLING or Colt Loses More Than Chest Hair Fighting Tang Lung
Esau approaches Jacob the same way Lando Calrissian approached Han on that Cloud City landing pad: “Why you slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler. You’ve got a lot of guts coming here, after what you pulled.” And just when you’re sure he’s made a deal to freeze his brother in carbonite, he wraps him up in a bear hug.
UNDERSTANDING or The Most Beautiful Day of Raymond K. Hessel’s Life
It’s been a long time coming, but now that Isaac is on the scene the future God spoke about is finally becoming a reality. As Hannibal Smith would say, “I love it when a plan comes together.” But just when everything seems to have fallen into place God shows up with new standardized testing. Get out your No. 2 pencil.
TRUST or Wile E. Coyote Places His 29th Order with Acme Products
Abraham’s story unfolds like snippets from a Dos Equis’ most interesting man in the world commercial. When he looks into the camera we see the same great beard and a woman on each arm, and with an exotic accent he tells us: “I don’t always trust God, but when I do life sucks a lot less.”
TIMING or Mer-Man Emerges from the Crystal Sea in Search of Henchman Status
God is about to give the Etch-A-Sketch a hard shake, but there’s no commercial break or time to condemn the decision. The preservation of life is announced in the same breath. This isn’t a story of an angry god exacting revenge. It’s the story of an immeasurably sad God preparing the soapsuds. As that joker Jack Napier would say, “This town needs an enema!”
EDEN or Dr. Zaius Knows More About the Forbidden Zone Than He Lets On
Eden is one of those words that immediately bring to mind images of a clothing-optional oasis, where people lounge around with nothing better to do than gorge themselves on fruit and play naked Twister. Funny enough, this isn’t a completely inaccurate description of the scriptural paradise described in Genesis.
MANKIND or Alive! It’s Alive!
With his creative work now finished, God puts all of his attention on mankind. Genesis 1 records his first words to them. If you’re expecting a dictatorial statement you’re in for a surprise. Right out of the gate God lends this young couple his Marvin Gaye records and encourages a healthy sex life.