Law or Professor Charles W. Kingsfield Jr. Hands Out His First Dime

F irst off, let’s go ahead and acknowledge that Leviticus is probably the most controversial book within all of Scripture. It’s 99% law. Yep. It’s time to cue up the dreaded Law & Order theme. Not even people who fervently believe in God and Scripture can agree on all of the rules listed here. To say interpretations differ is an understatement. You’d better hire Jackie Chiles to explain all of the legal jargon—“it’s outrageous, egregious, preposterous”—because you’re probably breaking at least two dozen Levitical laws as we speak. To paraphrase Gary Larson: “I cuss, you cuss, we all cuss for Leviticus!”

It’s not about one or two individuals anymore. Abraham’s progeny have become larger and more diverse than the Uncanny X-Men and that means it’s time to set a few social standards for the community. When the Israelites left Egypt there was only one covenant rule (circumcision), but at Sinai God dictates 613 new laws to Moses. This might be a good time for Doc Ostrow to break out the Krell educator. There’s a lot to think about here, but Israel agrees to everything before even reading the fine print (see Exod. 24:7). The majority of the laws are recorded no less than three times in the books of Exodus, Leviticus and Deuteronomy. It would appear God isn’t leaving room for anyone to claim Miles Dyson ignorance when it comes to taking responsibility for their future actions.

The Levitical laws begin in full in Exodus 21, where God immediately cranks it up to eleven by diving headfirst into the tricky subject of servitude. If you’ve heard this described as God okaying the transatlantic slave trade, it’s time for a Miles Raymond palate cleanser. The text never says he approves of kidnapping or forced labor. Actually, he bans both (v. 16). If your name is Kunta Kinte, don’t panic. No one is gonna insist on calling you Toby. What we’re primarily talking about here is indentured servitude. This shouldn’t be mistaken for what takes place at the LeQuint Dickey Mining Company. Indentured servitude is more like getting in a car accident with Jerry Seinfeld and being assigned to be his butler until the damages are paid. It’s a way for anyone living in debt or poverty to work their way out. For his part, God immediately contacts the HR Department to make sure it doesn’t turn into a bad scene. Rule #1 says you can only employ someone in this manner for a maximum of six years, at which point they’re free to go (v. 2). This excludes non-Hebrews. They’re in it for the long haul (see Lev. 25:44-46). Rule #2 makes sure former bondsmen leave with more than they can carry (see Deut. 15:13-15). Don’t wanna leave? No problem. If you work for Richard Rich, Sr. and agree with his stance on job security you can volunteer for a permanent position (vv. 5, 6). As Geoffrey Butler would say, “I have known freedom. Didn’t like the health plan.”

It doesn’t get sketchy until the text mentions a dad selling off his daughter. This shouldn’t be confused with pimping her out. That’s prohibited (see Lev. 19:29). This is bad enough. Even Scripture admits he has “betrayed her” (v. 8). That’s putting it mildly. All of the sudden Sonny Koufax looks like a model guardian. There’s a clear theme here. Almost all of the verses in chapter 21 start with the word if (“If a man shall strike … the eye of his maidservant and destroy it”) and end with God drawing a line in the sand (“he shall set [her] free in return”). The Osmond family will be happy to know this rule applies to teeth as well (v. 27). God doesn’t condone or condemn slavery, but repeatedly directs Israel to respect all human life. When compared to the historic practice of slavery, Israel’s custom almost qualifies as humanitarian. They’re instructed to work alongside slaves, not crack whips over them. Yep. Calvin Candie just rolled over in his grave.

In many ways the Levitical laws play out like an extended cut of the Ten Words, with director’s commentary and a handful of bizarre deleted scenes thrown in just to keep diehard fans on their toes. God spends a lot of time elaborating on rules that appeared straightforward the first time around. He routinely warns Israel not to kneel before Zod (see Exod. 22:19; Lev. 19:4, 26:1; Num. 15:24-31; Deut. 4:15-19, 17:2-7, 27:15) and on the off chance “don’t murder” sounds ambiguous to anyone, he removes the possibility for misinterpretation by confirming that taking “any human life” with premeditation qualifies (Lev. 24:17). If that’s not convincing enough, he also instates the death penalty, because nothing cures murderous intent like the thought of Percy Wetmore handling the sponge at your execution (vv. 12, 14). But despite this hard rule, there’s no indication God is looking for an excuse to kill off your favorite characters. There’s actually a rule against homeowners killing burglars during daylight hours (see Exod. 22:1, 2). And in the case of manslaughter, there is no punishment. To prevent revenge killings, guilty parties are allowed to hide out in designated areas (see Deut. 19:1-10). This is beneficial if your farmhouse accidentally falls on Theodora’s sister. But why are sanctuary cities even necessary when taking revenge has already been banned (see Lev. 19:18)? It would appear God is a realist.

Levitical law is serious business, but when compared to other ancient law codes God’s instruction sounds like a reprimand from King Jaffe Joffer. Take the Code of Hammurabi for instance. It has more rusty tools lying around than Leatherface and its guidelines call for loping off body parts with the exuberance of a Slovakian hostel. Hammurabi may only have 282 laws, but you gotta keep an eye out for its Waco Kid quick draw. It has no qualms with killing anyone who doesn’t turn in a runaway slave. Whereas in Israel, they allow runaway slaves to live free among them, “in whatever place he will choose” (Deut. 23:16, 17). And while Hammurabi is okay with sentencing thieves to death, it’s the perpetrator’s bank account that generally takes the brunt in Israel. A thief is required to pay double compensation, but happily keeps his life (see Exod. 22:3; Num. 5:7). That said, physical punishment isn’t unheard of in Israel. Some lawbreakers are subject to receiving up to 40 lashes, if convicted (see Deut. 25:1-3). By comparison, Egypt sentences criminals to no less than 100 lashes for similar offenses. As Tommy Callahan would say, “That’s gonna leave a mark!” It’s no wonder outsiders keep joining up. On their worst day, Israel is 60% kinder than their neighbors. And there’s no social ranking in how the law is implemented either. Even an outsider like Ponyboy Curtis lives under the same rules (see Lev. 24:22; Num. 15:14-16). Likewise, no one is above the law. Not even Arjen Rudd’s diplomatic immunity can get him out of a jam in Israel.

It’s easy to think of God as a Welton Academy disciplinarian. The phrase “shall surely be put to death” shows up a lot when he’s laying down the law. Only he doesn’t call it law. God presents himself as a teacher, not a lawgiver (see Exod. 24:12). To be fair, the death penalty isn’t the normal outcome in Israel. Despite the way verse 17 reads, cussing out your parents isn’t an automatic death sentence. Each incidence is negotiable case by case. It appears to be intended as a deterrent, not a strict rule. Even delinquents of Alex DeLarge magnitude are given a second chance before the Ludovico technique is implemented (see Deut. 21:18-21).

Murder is the only non-negotiable crime in Israel (see Num. 35:31). The most common penalty is monetary reimbursement. That’s what the controversial “an eye for an eye” line means (vv. 23-25). It’s what Hebrew scholars call the “law of limitation.” Whatever you damage, lose or kill must be equally reimbursed. Put out Velma Dinkley’s eye and you’ll have to compensate her with a Ford Fiesta…and a new pair of glasses. Put out Clint Barton’s eye and you’re on the hook for a Lamborghini. The rule applies to everything from breaking your neighbor’s weed eater to killing the unborn. That’s right. God considers those little floaters worth something (v. 22). Don’t tell Donna Stern.

Nothing is off limits with God, not even your sex life. Think you can ward him off by hanging a sock on the doorknob? Think again. God talks about sex more than Pondo Sinatra. We’re not talking about a passing interest here. God didn’t just accidently peeping Tom the human race because we left the binds up. He’s gone all-in Lewis Skolnick, Lambda Lambda Lambda style and setup every bedroom and shower on earth with surveillance cameras. And he’s not just tuning in. He’s making suggestions, too. I know what you’re thinking. Why is God concerned about who and what anyone does with anyone else? Probably because sex is the first thing he green-lighted. In fact, he all but passed around the Funky Cold Medina. “Be fruitful and multiply,” remember (Gen. 1:28)? God isn’t a peeping Tom. He’s an undercover boss.

God’s stipulations regarding sex are extensive, but this isn’t about that French tickler you keep on your bedside table. Leviticus 18 offers a printable list of sexual no-no’s to hang next to the mirror over your bed. At the top of the list is incest. Funny, since that’s how the human race got its start in the first place. It’s all relative. As Jaime Lannister would say, “We shared a womb, came into this world together. We belong together.” Not according to Leviticus. It blows up this notion with one sentence: “Any man shall not approach his close relative to uncover nakedness” (v. 6). Looks like Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg are gonna have to do more than stop ice skating together (v. 9). The same goes for step-relatives, so don’t go making any bets with Kathryn Mertevil. For anyone struggling with an Oedipus complex, God offers a long list of forbidden family members. Eleanor Prentiss Shaw and her son? Uh, no (v. 7). Brantley Foster and Aunt Vera? Bad idea (v. 14). Hank Hanson and his brother’s wife? You guessed it. It’s on the naughty list (v. 16). God even tosses in the “just because everyone else is doing it” speech for good measure (vv. 24-30). But don’t think dating non-relatives puts you in the clear. God gets everyone involved when he instates the universal “don’t be a slut” rule (see Deut. 23:18).

God is rolling now. Next, he dumps ice water on the ménage à trois. He even goes so far as to call it a “depraved plot” (v. 17). That’s bad news if your guidance counselor is Sam Lombardo. This goes double for Machete Cortez. Machete don’t text, but he did this with April Booth and her mom without hesitation. If it was up to Leviticus there wouldn’t be a sequel (see 20:14). God also takes bestiality off the table (v. 23). Looks like Miss Desiree and Max the Magical Sexual Mule aren’t gonna make it to Rick Gassko’s bachelor party, after all. There goes my weekend. Also, Rollo Lee may want to vet (pun intended) his bedroom guests a little better. Not sure if this applies to Marvin Mange, but Belle and the Beast are up to their necks in it.

Also on the list of things to avoid is seduction. And no, we’re not talking about winking at someone excessively here. Deuteronomy 22 appears to be written specifically with heavy breathers in mind. The text promotes gentlemanly etiquette with more candor than a Judith Martin column, giving special emphasis to the treatment of virgins. Sebastian Valmont has officially been warned (see Exod. 22:15, 16). The matter is taken so seriously that simply accusing someone of not being a virgin is grounds for legal action (v. 14). When this happens, virginity can be established by producing the newlyweds’ bloodstained bed sheets (vv. 15-18). It doesn’t get more romantic than that. Didn’t make it to the bedroom on your wedding night? That’s okay. You can always lock the accused in a cabin with Jason Voorhees. If she survives the night, her integrity is confirmed. If it turns out the guy is wrong, he’ll take a shot to the wallet and will owe his new bride a box of apology chocolates the size of Oklahoma (v. 19). But, if he’s right, she’ll get the hard goodbye for skanking up the neighborhood (vv. 20, 21).

There’s also the matter of polygamy. Despite what you might’ve heard, monogamy is the general practice in Israel and the most famous scriptural cases of polygamy are far from a Bill Henrickson setup. Abraham regretted his add-on marriage immediately and it wasn’t even his idea in the first place. More notably, Jacob ended up with four wives, even though he only wanted one. In all this, God seems more concerned about keeping relationships together. He only puts his foot down when it comes to hooking up with sisters, but doesn’t slam the door on the practice altogether (see Lev. 18:18). Once again, it becomes a matter of if a guy takes on multiple wives, not whether or not it’s the right thing to do (see Deut. 21:15-17). I know. It’s starting to sound suspiciously like a man’s world. But just when it looks like the scale is tipping in favor of Johnny 23, God pulls the boys aside for a little sensitivity training. That’s right. No means no. According to the text, anyone willing to round the bases without consent will suffer a fate worse than Nils Bjurman (vv. 25-27). As Cameron Poe would say, “Don’t. Treat. Women. Like. That!”

Scripture catches all sorts of flak for its misogynistic-sounding language. Not surprising, considering all of the male pronouns that litter the text. But, in Israel, the ladies have more independence under Levitical law than any neighboring law codes. It doesn’t seem possible, but Israelite women aren’t depicted as Stepford wives. Some of these chicks handle the dishes about as delicately as Sydney Byrd. And, contrary to popular belief, women can hold leadership positions, too. From the start, Miriam is front and center like a regular Leia Organa helping to lead the people (see Exod. 15:21). Moms are viewed equally alongside dads (Lev. 19:3; Deut. 5:16). Inheritance is often transferred to daughters (Num. 27:8). Hebrew women can generally “be wives to whomever is good in their eyes” (Num. 36:6). And there are some pretty specific protections against kidnapping (Deut. 24:7), rape (Deut. 22:25-27) and sex trafficking (Lev. 19:29). Looks like God knows a little something about R-E-S-P-E-C-T, after all. Quick, somebody cue up Aretha Franklin.

I’m still not sure I like the idea of God hovering over my bed like Marley’s ghost, but so far his suggestions haven’t spoiled anything on my bucket list. That’s the good news. The bad news is we’re not done yet. Yeah, God’s bedroom rules have been fairly reasonable to this point, but things get a little weird in Leviticus 15 when he takes on bodily fluids. For guys, this includes wet dreams and premature ejaculation. Nope. These aren’t considered happy accidents (see Deut. 23:11, 12). By scriptural standards, Jim Levenstein’s rendezvous with Nadia is enough to initiate CDC quarantine protocol (vv. 16, 17). Taking a shower and washing your clothes is mandatory, but in the event you have the Orgazmorator pointed at you, it’ll become necessary to dropkick a couple of turtledoves as well (v. 14). The same rule applies to women when they reboot their Ovarian Operating System every month (vv. 19-21). I guess after Loren McConnell’s period instigated the apocalypse in Louisiana, some precaution was deemed necessary. As Walter Stratford would say, “My insurance policy does not cover PMS!” It seems bizarre God even considers this a serious topic, but, believe it or not, it connects to a larger overarching theme.

But just when you’re starting to get used to God hanging out in your bedroom on date night, it happens. He bans gay pride in Israel: “You shall not lie with a man as one lies with a woman, it is an abomination” (Lev. 18:22). Uh, did God just out himself as a Terry Milkovich homophobe? It kinda seems that way. But if you bullet time verse 22 it doesn’t exactly throw homosexuality under the bus. Nowhere does it say Mitchell Pritchett can’t be attracted to Cameron Tucker. It doesn’t make fun of Kurt Hummel for hitting those crazy high notes. It doesn’t knock Dana Fairbanks for being able to ace a tennis ball either. And it doesn’t say members of the same sex can’t love each other or live together. What it does say is same-sex parties should never have sex. Hold up. Didn’t God encourage sex on day one? Yep. Trouble is he specified, “Be fruitful and multiply.” He never mentions using a jimmy or working out a safe word. Even straight couples have sexual limitations (see Lev. 18:19). God isn’t anti-gay so much as he’s pro-creation. He wants to know when you’re gonna start having kids more than your mom does. Sexual preference doesn’t change the rule. Straight guys have already found this out the hard way. Remember what happened to Onan when he exited the party early (see Gen. 38:9)?

There’s more. Remember the two-gender archetype mentioned in Genesis 1:27? Yeah, well God hasn’t changed his mind. To keep this model in place, he puts a stipulation on the co-ed dress code. It would appear he doesn’t want Fergus playing the crying game. This is arguably harder on the LGBT community than the procreation rule. The text doesn’t condemn any natural traits here, but, right or wrong, it does ban anyone from competing in RuPaul’s Drag Race (see Deut. 22:5). That said, I don’t think Senator Keeley’s escape disguise is gonna cause God to bring down the thunder. You gotta hope he’s paying more attention to the amount of lotion Jame Gumb is stockpiling.

After reading the extensive list of sex laws, it’s easy to forget that the majority of God’s guidelines primarily focus on good manners. Most of the time he sounds like Edna Garrett explaining the facts of life. God repeatedly instructs Israel to be Minnesota nice to strangers, because you never know when the Firpo brothers will roll through town (see Exod. 22:20, 23:9; Lev. 19:34; Deut. 10:19). He promotes honest business practices. As Michael Scott would say, “A good boss gruntles the disgruntled” (Lev. 19:13 and 35, 36; Deut. 25:13-16). He encourages Israel to respect their elders. This includes staying off Walt Kowalski’s lawn (Lev. 19:32). And stealing livestock is taken more seriously than a Raymond Calitri challenge (Exod. 21:37). When it comes to returning stray pets, God is flat-out insistent. You don’t gone baby gone your neighbor’s donkey, whether you like him (Deut. 22:1) or not (Exod. 23:4). God eliminates loan sharks as well. This explains why the Iron Bank of Braavos can’t get a license to operate in Israel (Exod. 22:24; Lev. 25:37; Deut. 15:2, 23:20, 24:10). He isn’t a fan of bribery or lies either, so if you ever find yourself in the same jury pool as Nick Easter, heads up (Exod. 23:8; Lev. 19:11). False accusations also make the list, because nobody wants to see James Rainwood go to prison for blow-drying his hair (Exod. 23:7; Deut. 19:15-20). And speaking of blow-dryers, God puts every solon in Israel out of business when he bans slander and gossip. This hits Peg Bogg’s neighbors especially hard (Lev. 19:16).

God also has a thing for hard luck cases. If you scrape by giving motivational speeches while living in a van down by the river, this one’s for you. Perhaps a mugger killed your parents in the back alleys of Gotham. Or maybe you lost your time-traveling husband when your dad mistook him for an elk. It happens more than you might think. Whatever the case, the text says God sympathizes and his instruction to Israel offers some confirmation. In fact, when it comes to the less fortunate, he obsesses more than Alex Forrest (see Exod. 22:20-23; Lev. 19:9, 10, 25:35; Deut. 10:18, 19, 15:7-11, 24:14, 15 and 17-22, 27:19). You don’t treat the homeless like Emil Fouchon. And you don’t chase orphans around like Count Olaf. As for widows, let’s just say Rhett Butler better start giving a damn.

God even establishes a rule against messing with anyone who has a disability, which is just another way of saying, “Don’t be an asshole.” This one almost seems too obvious to merit mention, but God knows it’s only a matter of time before Cosmo Kramer convinces you to park in a handicapped zone. One of God’s own examples is resisting the urge to cuss out a deaf person (see Lev. 19:14a). The results may vary on this one. Wally Karew did it and made a new friend. Ray Donlan did it and ended up in a body bag. So be careful. God also opposes misleading the blind (Lev. 19:14b; Deut. 27:18). As Harry Dunne would say, “You sold my dead bird to a blind kid?” The temptation is real, guys.

Leviticus is easy to hate for a lot of reasons and with 613 laws on the books, controversy is automatic. Even so, being one of the earliest law codes in human history, Levitical law is far more reasonable than it gets credit for. This isn’t me justifying it 100%. God’s rules still provide more double takes than when Deadpool realized Francis Freeman got away. Some of the laws deserve high-fives. Others demand hard scrutiny. At one point Leviticus says to treat everyone as you’d treat yourself (19:17, 18). That’s asking a lot, but who can argue with it? There wouldn’t be any need for the Ten Words, much less 613 laws if everyone followed this one rule. Leviticus sucks, but it probably shouldn’t be dismissed just because it says Zack and Miri can’t make a porno. Or maybe it should. There’s no way to offer any real conclusion with so many more rules still to be discussed. For now, I’ll leave you with the most romantic three-word phrase ever spoken: to be continued…