COMING SOON!
It’s come down to this. The Hebrews have finally pushed God too far. He’s tried to warn them. Repeatedly. God has counted to 10 so many times he’s reached Graham’s number. Finally, he decides to put the Jews in timeout. No cellphones. No Xbox. No car keys.
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Israel’s recidivism has them facing the parole board more often than H.I. McDonnough. Repeat offender is one bonehead name, but the Hebrews aren’t paying any attention to God’s early warning system—and when he outs them on an episode of Cheaters, they don’t even show remorse.
With Solomon, Israel’s fifteen minutes of fame comes and goes. The literal golden age they experienced is now on the verge of crashing down around them like a Jordan Belfont fraud investigation. They don’t know it yet, but they’re about to lose the Lamborghini, the luxury yacht and the Swiss bank account. Solomon’s death heralds the official Games of Thrones era in Israel’s history.
Solomon’s life plays like an episode of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. There’s talk of three cubic acres of cash that rivals Scrooge McDuck’s money bin and enough Egyptian horsepower to put Jay Leno’s garage to shame, not to mention a surplus of bling so high every coffee mug, TV remote and toilet seat is made from pure gold. His Midas touch is so extensive silver hold less value in Jerusalem than Bitcoin. That’s right. Solomon has the same superpower as Batman: he’s rich.
Just when it seems like the humble, ginger king can do no wrong, his boredom as a stay-at-home ruler has him lounging around all day spying on his neighbors like L.B. Jefferies. One fateful evening, David spots Bathsheba bathing in the privacy of her home and peers in on her harder than Bluto Blutarsky. As Dog 7 would say, “Baby, you’re so fine I’d drink a tub of your bath water.”
David’s meteoric rise causes King Saul to suffer a Dr. Leo Marvin breakdown and no amount of baby steps can resolve the problem. Despite having done nothing wrong, David is condemned by a corrupt government to take part in a deadly episode of The Running Man. He has no choice but to strap on the spandex and beat feet like Ben Richards.
Once Saul is actively king, the Israelite militia is on call 24/7. Israel is now a nation lead by Tyler Durden and the ultimate goal is Project Mayhem. Samuel sets guidelines in an effort to make sure God is always involved, but Saul has trouble following orders and gets reprimanded more often than Maverick during TOPGUN training.
Ruth wasn’t playing around when she converted to Judaism. Like Charlotte York, she took her conversion and marriage vows seriously and she’s not going back now: “Where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die.” As Steve Rogers would say, “I’m with you to the end of the line.”
Job has no idea he’s about to be subjected to the mother of all tests. He’s carrying on in his usual manner when a series of unfortunate events worse than anything that ever happened to the Baudelaire children disrupts his life. One after another, sole survivors bring Job increasingly worse news. As J.J. McQuade would say, “My kind of trouble doesn’t take vacations.”
In the wake of Joshua’s death, Israel drops the Donny Donowitz routine and allows the surviving Canaanites to hang around. Even worse, they can’t resist a teen idol and Canaan is loaded with them. Soon every Israelite bedroom is decorated with posters of Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez and Demi Lavato. It only takes one generation for them to turn the Promised Land into a Mega-City One dystopia.
According to Scripture, even God has a Milton Waddams breaking point. Bad behavior always gets his attention—eventually. Also, don’t screw with his Swingline stapler. This usually results in a loss of property. That’s been his MO from the beginning. And yeah, sometimes offenders don’t make it out alive. Once again, we’re faced with God’s inexplicable timing. As Howard Beale would say, “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!”
Canaan is within striking distance, but what should’ve taken no more than a couple of weeks, turns into an epic four-decade hike in Emyn Muil. Israel goes in more circles than Frodo Baggins and Sam Gamgee. The old phrase “All who wander are not lost” is in serious question here. Their route is more embarrassing than when Spinal Tap got lost backstage in Cleveland.
Levitical law is kinda like a Kobayashi Maru test. The standard is simply too high. So what does Israel get out of the deal? According to the text, a sweet healthcare plan, topnotch security and a major real estate acquisition. On the flipside, breaking the rules will come back to bite them harder than Cujo.
Abraham’s progeny have become larger and more diverse than the Uncanny X-Men and that means it’s time to set a few social standards for the community. When the Israelites left Egypt there was only one covenant rule, but at Sinai God dictates 613 new laws to Moses. This might be a good time for Doc Ostrow to break out the Krell educator. There’s a lot to think about here.
Generally known as the Ten Commandments, the list isn’t nearly as intimidating as it sounds. The original Hebrew actually refers to it as the Ten Words and, like Columbus’ rules for surviving a zombie apocalypse, it strikes a fairly practical cord. Beware of bathrooms. Avoid strip clubs. Enjoy the little things. If you’re expecting a list of otherworldly demands an Asgardian couldn’t live up to, you’re in for a surprise.
God has a very particular set of skills. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like Pharaoh, but the exodus isn’t about God going on a Bryan Mills revenge kick. Yeah, Egypt is catching hell for its inhumane practices, but that’s not where Scripture puts the emphasis. According to the text, God is actually using the events to attract national media coverage. Seriously.
The focus is now on Jacob’s favorite son, Joseph, a seventeen-year-old Manny Heffley who’s always tattling on his older brothers. Any time he finds a nudie magazine or catches them smoking pot behind the 7-Eleven, he runs and tells Daddy. To make matters worse, he brags to everyone about the dreams he has of them kowtowing to him.
Esau approaches Jacob the same way Lando Calrissian approached Han on that Cloud City landing pad: “Why you slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler. You’ve got a lot of guts coming here, after what you pulled.” And just when you’re sure he’s made a deal to freeze his brother in carbonite, he wraps him up in a bear hug.
It’s been a long time coming, but now that Isaac is on the scene the future God spoke about is finally becoming a reality. As Hannibal Smith would say, “I love it when a plan comes together.” But just when everything seems to have fallen into place God shows up with new standardized testing. Get out your No. 2 pencil.
Abraham’s story unfolds like snippets from a Dos Equis’ most interesting man in the world commercial. When he looks into the camera we see the same great beard and a woman on each arm, and with an exotic accent he tells us: “I don’t always trust God, but when I do life sucks a lot less.”
God is about to give the Etch-A-Sketch a hard shake, but there’s no commercial break or time to condemn the decision. The preservation of life is announced in the same breath. This isn’t a story of an angry god exacting revenge. It’s the story of an immeasurably sad God preparing the soapsuds. As that joker Jack Napier would say, “This town needs an enema!”
Eden is one of those words that immediately bring to mind images of a clothing-optional oasis, where people lounge around with nothing better to do than gorge themselves on fruit and play naked Twister. Funny enough, this isn’t a completely inaccurate description of the scriptural paradise described in Genesis.
With his creative work now finished, God puts all of his attention on mankind. Genesis 1 records his first words to them. If you’re expecting a dictatorial statement you’re in for a surprise. Right out of the gate God lends this young couple his Marvin Gaye records and encourages a healthy sex life.
Imagine opening your front door and finding a live grenade at your feet. As John McClane would say, “Welcome to the party, pal.” That’s pretty much what it’s like to read the first verses in Genesis. Immediately you’re faced with some important questions, namely, who pulled the pin?
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