Kings or The House of Targaryen Duke It Out

W ith Solomon, Israel’s fifteen minutes of fame comes and goes. The literal golden age they experienced is now on the verge of crashing down around them like a Jordan Belfont fraud investigation. They don’t know it yet, but they’re about to lose the Lamborghini, the luxury yacht and the Swiss bank account. Solomon’s death heralds the official Games of Thrones era in Israel’s history. No sooner is his son Rehoboam coronated in 1 Kings 12 than Jeroboam comes out of hiding and joins the people in asking him to ease up on his dad’s strict company policies. Israel has grown tired of the long work hours, poor benefits and oppressive taxes. The elders advise Rehoboam to listen to the people, but when he huddles up with his brat pack pals they encourage him to go full Harold Cornish, so he doubles their workload instead: “My pinky is thicker than my dad’s winky! Under me you’ll be working overtime on Yom Kippur” (vv. 10-14). Rehoboam’s response results in a 0% approval rating and cements God’s prediction of Jeroboam’s rule and a split kingdom (see 11:35-36). Rehoboam doesn’t realize how bad things are until he sends out the taxman, who returns to him in a body bag (v. 18). Rehoboam hops in an escape pod and holes up in Jerusalem while ten tribes of Israel band together and make Jeroboam king. Only the tribes of Judah and Benjimin remain under Rehoboam’s control.

But with the temple in Jerusalem, Jeroboam worries Israel will return to Rehoboam, so he sets up two golden calves (sound familiar?) and makes up a new holiday—a Festivus for the rest of us—telling the people, “It is too much for you to go up the Jerusalem; behold your gods … that brought you up from the land of Egypt” (v. 28). Uh-oh. This gets God’s attention real fast. In chapter 13, Jeroboam is confronted at one of the altars by a nameless prophet who surprises him with a gender reveal party for a kid—it’s a boy!—named Josiah from David’s DNA, who will one day tear down Jeroboam’s altars (v. 2). Jeroboam calls BS and immediately gets the Master Pain paralyzer treatment on his arm, followed by the fulfillment of the prophet’s words that the altar in front of them will break apart. Jeroboam can’t apologize quick enough and God kindly restores his arm (vv. 4-6). But once the prophet in gone, Jeroboam has the stones to shrug off the incident and carry on like nothing happened (v. 33).

Chapter 14 reveals Rehoboam doesn’t manage things any better in Jerusalem, where they pepper the countryside with altars and totems and establish the Royal Order of Hebraic Man Whores (vv. 23-24). No longer bound by Solomon’s marriage treaty, Egypt raids Jerusalem and pillages the gold from the temple and palace, forcing Rehoboam to exchange all of the fancy decorations with copper replacements. Israel’s decline from gold to bronze is a fifteen-year nosedive. That’s embarrassing. Despite their similarities, Jeroboam and Rehoboam fight constantly throughout their careers, which lasts decades, before being succeeded by their sons. What follows is an exhaustive list of kings that often reads like a rolodex of G.I. Joe Combat Command Files. If the book hasn’t lived up to its title before, it does now. Abijam reigns for three years and is a douche like his dad. Asa reigns 41 years, gives his evil queen grandma the boot and bans Deuce Bigalow from working in Judah. Elah reigns two years before getting offed by his administrative assistant. Zimri takes the wheel for a week, but commits suicide when the people disagree with his definition of secretarial duties. The “and then” trend of pretty much every king acting worse than his predecessor goes on long enough to piss off Jesse Montgomery III.

The tipping point begins with King Ahab, a progressive fella who’s ready to put God in Israel’s rearview mirror. He marries Jezebel, a ruthless hottie from Sidon who converts him to Baal. Ahab even constructs a temple for the idol, inspiring God to dust off Deuteronomy 11:16-17 and dispatch Elijah in chapter 17 to announce a drought. No proper back-story is given on the prophet, other than the fact he’s a Tishbite and hairier than Mark Hand’s fur coat (fast-forward to 2 Kings 1:8). The ominous forecast doesn’t make Elijah Ahab’s favorite meteorologist, so he hides out at the Cherith Brook, where God sends ravens to feed the prophet like Jonathan Rebeck (vv. 3-4). A year later, the creek dries up and God directs Elijah to Sidon—Jezebel’s homefield—where a widow preparing her last meal is convinced to share when he presents her with a Flint Lockwood Diatonic Super Mutating Dynamic Food Replicator. And sure enough, her flour bowl and oil flask never run out (vv. 14-16). But while Elijah is boarding there, the widow’s young son gets sick and dies, a tragedy that threatens to put a bigger asterisk on the prophet’s credentials than Barry Bond’s 756^th homerun ball. It’s an interesting moment in Scripture. Elijah isn’t in Israel. The widow isn’t a Hebrew. It’s far from a part the Sea of Reeds moment, but that doesn’t stop Elijah from asking God to show up. And God lives up to his open-door policy and revives the kid with a supernatural defibrillator. There are some standout resurrections in Scripture, but this is the first one recorded and, notably, it finds God crediting a 1-up to a nonbeliever’s game progress. The widow has been eating out of a bottomless food bowl for a year, but this gets her undivided attention: “Now I know that you are a man of God” (v. 24). As Calvin Candie would say, “You had my curiosity. But now you have my attention.”

In chapter 18, during the third year of the drought, God sends Elijah back to Ahab to issue a public challenge between him and Baal. Ahab accepts with more enthusiasm than the Sheriff of Rottingham: “Mano a mano. Man to man. Just you and me and my 450 prophets of Baal!” Everyone gathers on Mount Carmel and agrees to kill a bull and place it on wood, but instead of using lighter fluid in the usual manner, they’ll ask Baal and God to provide the accelerant. Whichever responds first, wins. The 450 prophets of Baal go first, begging their god to light it up all morning with no results, inspiring Elijah to talk more trash than a Milwaukee Beers BASEketball player: “Call out louder! Maybe Baal is asleep or taking a leak or talking to his mom on the phone” (v. 27, paraphrased, barely). The prophets of Baal get more hysterical than post-wreck Ricky Bobby, but nothing happens. Finally, Elijah takes his turn. He builds his altar with purpose, using exactly 12 stones and digging a trench around them. Then he dumps 12 jugs of water over it, soaking the wood and filling the trench (vv. 31-35). Nothing has happened yet, but somehow it feels like Elijah is already rubbing their noses in an L. And maybe he is, because without any theatrics he asks God to make himself known and God doesn’t mess around. He drops a NOVA bomb on the altar. Never mind a spark, the blast obliterates the stones, water and earth—and singes off everybody’s eyebrows (v. 38). Everyone in attendance stops, drops and rolls and acknowledges God as the undisputed champ (v. 39). In the aftermath, Elijah has the prophets of Baal summarily rounded up and executed. Nobody argues with him, not even Ahab. Then he takes the king back to the weather map and points out a severe line of storms coming in from the west. The drought is about to be over.

When Ahab relays the news to Jezebel in chapter 19, she’s not impressed and takes out a contract on Elijah’s life. The threat sends the prophet into a spiraling depression. He even asks God to kill him and lays around in an Odinsleep for days before trekking to Mount Sinai, where he hides out in a cave. When God asks why he’s there, Elijah responds like PTSD John Rambo: “It wasn’t my war! You asked me! I didn’t ask you” (v. 10). Recognizing the signs of a potential psychotic break, God instructs him to exit the cave for some close-range quality time. The text makes it sound like a casual drive-by: “And behold, [God] was passing by” (v. 11). But it’s something more. Scripture says gale-force winds rock the mountain…then an earthquake…then a fire. That’s right. God’s entering the atmosphere. His presence is so intense the weather pattern is disturbed, earth’s tectonic plates shift and a fire breaks out. But just when you think God’s going to make a bigger crater than the Chicxulub impactor, he engages Elijah with a voice more restrained than cadet Laverne Hooks. The text calls it “a sound of a gentle blowing” (v. 12). That sounds like something you’d buy to help you fall asleep. God hasn’t gotten this personal with someone since Moses. Once again, he asks the prophet why he’s holed up in the wilderness and Elijah reiterates his bitter stance word for word. God recognizes the prophet is more worn out with Israel’s bad behavior than he is and starts arranging his retirement. Using his all-seeing Heimdall eyes, he informs Elijah where his successor Elisha is currently located and names the guys who will eventually kill Ahab and Jezebel. The news cheers Elijah up and he immediately sets off to recruit Elisha as his Padawan apprentice (v. 19).

In the meantime, Ahab tries to acquire his neighbor’s garden. But when the owner refuses to sell, he pouts so hard Jezebel steps in like Joffery Baratheon and reminds him the king can do as he pleases and promptly has the neighbor iced to ensure her hubby gets what he wants. The power play earns Ahab another visit from Elijah in chapter 20, who informs him the only way his bloodline will survive is if their DNA is extracted from mosquitos preserved in amber (v. 21). He also predicts Milo Pressman’s dog Chopper will snack on Jezebel’s corpse in the near future. The grim news sees Ahab moping around in dirty jammies and regretting his life choices. His remorse is genuine enough God goes from fully auto Frank Castle to Directive 4 Robocop, allowing the corrupt king to dodge having to witness his family’s imminent downfall. But apparently there’s no stopping Chopper from chowing down on Jezebel. Three years later, Ahab goes into battle with Aram, despite being warned not to and is mortally wounded. Chapter 22 says hookers bathe in the king’s blood like Elizabeth Báthory (v. 38). Ew.

It’s an awkward place for a cliffhanger, but this is where 1 Kings strangely calls it quits before 2 Kings picks up the narrative without missing a beat. Chapter 1 opens with Ahab’s successor son Ahaziah in a bad spot after taking a serious fall. No better than his old man, God sends word by Elijah that he’ll die in hospice care. Not happy with the diagnosis, Ahaziah dispatches fifty soldiers to apprehend the prophet—but when they demand his cooperation, he calls down hellfire and God obliges by incinerating the men where they stand (v. 10). Ahaziah sends fifty more soldiers with the same result. As Nick “Goose” Bradshaw would say, “The Defense Department regrets to inform you that your sons are dead because they were stupid.” Refusing to take no for an answer, Ahaziah deploys fifty more expendable stormtroopers. But this unit is different. Their captain begs for their lives on arrival. As Deadpool would say, “This guy had the right idea. He wore the brown pants!” In turn, God instructs Elijah to personally go tell Ahaziah his days are numbered. It turns out to be Elijah’s final prophecy.

In chapter 2, Elijah makes a low-key farewell tour. His impending departure is seemingly known throughout the countryside. Everywhere he goes, Elisha has to shush local prophets from embarrassing his master with a gold watch ceremony (vv. 3 and 5). With fifty lookie-loos following them at a distance, Elijah and Elisha go to the Jordan River, where Elijah uses his cloak to manipulate the water with more precision than Master Pakku, so they can cross on dry ground (v. 8). Knowing he’s not long for the world, Elijah bestows his apprentice with Jedi Knight status and when Elisha requests a double portion of his Force energy, he allows it will happen if Elisha sees his departure (v. 10). The two friends are strolling along shooting the breeze when Elijah’s fast pass to the afterlife arrives. The men are separated by a flaming chariot pulled by a team of Carter Slade’s fiery steeds. A whirlwind materializes near Elijah and he’s caught up in the Suck Zone. As Dusty Davies would say, “It’s the point, basically, at which the twister….sucks you up.” Elijah ascends to an ambiguous fate with only his cloak drifting down after his dramatic exit (v. 11). Elisha literally takes up the mantle by donning his master’s cloak, before returning to the Jordan and using it to once again part the water, impressing the fifty prophets who are still hanging out watching the show.

Rolling solo for the first time, Elisah goes to Jericho, where a contaminated water source is killing residents. He performs his second water-related feat of the day by purifying it with salt and, thankfully, the promise that God will add something a little stronger. Then, in Bethal, a street gang taunts the prematurely balding prophet and questions his ability to live up to the reputation his hairy master (v. 23). But we’re not talking about Will Smith ribbing Uncle Phil about his hairline here. These cats are straight out of Hell’s Kitchen and stirring up more trouble than Luther and the Rogues. Proving he’s now officially a rep for God and not just Elijah’s boy wonder sidekick, Elisha curses the young thugs and two cocaine bears emerge from the woods and maul 42 gang members (v. 24). This puts a whole new spin on bad news bears. Apparently, their disrespect went beyond insulting his hairline, otherwise he would’ve flipped them off and called it a day. Like Adam Meiks, it appears Elisha is delivering divine retribution on a lost generation.

Chapter 4 continues Elisha’s highlight reel of unexplainable accomplishments, including several which closely mimic his old master. When the widow of a fellow seer comes to him with the news that the bank is threatening to foreclose and take her sons as collateral, he turns her oil jar into a Synthetron food replicator so she can top off every empty container in town and clear her debt (vv. 3-7). Then, looking to do a favor for an older Shunammite couple who built an add-on just for his visits, Elisha predicts the childless couple will have a son—and they do. The trouble comes a few years later when the boy dies more unexpectedly the Thomas J. Sennett. Elisha hurries to the scene, where he performs 800 BCE CPR on the kid, miraculously reviving him (vv. 32-35).

Elisha’s reputation reaches beyond Israel in chapter 5, where Ben-hadad Jr. is inspired to request that Naaman, the leader of the Aramean army, be cured of his melanoma. The king of Israel assumes Ben-hadad is inciting war with the impossible ask, but Elisha steps in and instructs Naaman to wash himself in the Jordan River seven times. It takes some persuading to convince the military leader to follow his advice, but once he does, he comes out the other side seventeen again like Mike O’Donnell (v. 14). After experiencing the fountain of youth, Naaman tries to pay Elisha without success. But Elisha’s inter Darin Henry decides a little cheddar on the backend couldn’t hurt and chases down Naaman, claiming his master changed his mind. Unfortunately for Darin, Elisha has glimpsed into Frank Walker’s tachyon machine and calls him out. The blunder sees Darin diagnosed with his own case of melanoma. Oops.

Chapter 6 reveals Elisha’s pupils have become more numerous than the disciples of Shaolin. They decide to build larger accommodations by the Jordan, where one of them loses an iron axe in the river. But no sweat, Elisha flexes his Magneto abilities and easily retrieves it (v. 6). Elisha is the Tanach’s last big miracle worker and he doesn’t hold back. When Ben-hadad plots to take out King Jehoram (Ahaziah’s bro), strategically stationing kill squads along the royal highway, Elisha foresees the traps and warns Jehoram to use the subway instead. Thinking he has a mole, Ben-hadad consults with his intelligence advisors and learns Elisha is privy to what he says in the privacy of his bedroom (v. 12). The news has him tearing apart his house like Harry Caul searching for bugs. When he doesn’t find any, he sends men to capture the prophet. Elisha and his new intern are in Dothan when they discover the city is surrounded by the Aramean army. The intern freaks out, but Elisha tells him to stay cool, Honey Bunny: “[T]hose who are with us are more than those who are with them” (v. 16). Being strange and unusual like Lydia Deetz, Elisha is aware of the supernatural army of angels in the outfield and asks God to make his intern an honorary Grimm for a day so he can see them, too (v. 17). Elisha has God temporarily blind the Arameans and guides them into Samaria: “This is not the way, nor is this the city; follow me” (vv. 18-20). It’s a perfect opportunity to have them fed to the pigs, but instead he restores their vision, feeds them a kosher meal and lets them go. The result is a brief truce between the enemy nations.

Around this time, there’s a severe famine in Israel. It gets so bad two quarts of birdshit sells for nearly two pounds of silver (v. 25). Elisah preemptively advises the Shunammite woman, whose son he resuscitated, to leave town until it’s over—and good thing, because Israel is eventually forced to go Soylent Green. One citizen even complains that her neighbor backed out on cooking her kid after they’d already eaten hers (vv. 28-29). Yikes. Elsewhere, in Aram, Ben-hadad Jr. is under the weather. But he’s had enough run-ins with Elisha to know he’s the man with all the answers and sends his assistant Hazael to inquire if he’ll get better. Elisha predicts he’ll recover from the illness, but gets a headache more severe than Erik Gelden from being near Hazael, whom he foretells will murder his master and usurp the throne. Hazael scoffs at the prediction, but upon his return to Aram fulfills the grim prophecy by smothering Ben-hadad more aggressively than Al Monroe.

In chapter 9, Elisha has Israel’s military commander Jehu doused with Castrol and made king in a secret ceremony, where he’s instructed to lay waste to Ahab’s legacy. Yep. The future has arrived (see 1 Kings 21:21). Jehu takes the job seriously, immediately confronting his old boss. Unaware of the danger he’s in, King Jehoram goes out to greet him, but knows he’s in trouble when Jehu insults his mom harder than demon possessed Regan MacNeil: “Your mother sucks cocks in hell, you faithless slime” (v. 22). Jehoram doesn’t waste time defending his mother’s honor. Instead, he peels rubber. But not even his souped-up Dodge Charger has enough horsepower to outrun his military commander’s Legolas longbow accuracy. Jehu also kills the visiting king of Judah while he’s at it. Jezebel knows what’s coming and applies more eyeliner than Mimi Bobeck ahead of Jehu’s arrival and defiantly greets him with a healthy dose of snark (vv. 30-31). But her despicable me reputation gets her less sympathy than Rose Chasseur with her own attendants shoving her out of the high window at Jehu’s request. Jehu adds emphasis to Jezebel’s death by trampling her body with his horse. By the time Jehu finishes his lunchbreak, he can’t find enough of Jezebel’s corpse lying around to fill a to-go box (v. 35). As predicted, she’s been reduced to nothing more than Kibbles ’N Bits for the local strays (see 1 Kings 21:23).

Jehu continues his rampage against Ahab’s bloodline in chapter 10 by instating a 12-hour purge night to eradicate all 70 of Ahab’s sons. Then he puts their heads on display at the entrance to Jezreel like Alpha marking the Whisperer’s territory (v. 8). When it comes to death, Jehu is all about using exclamation points. He smokes everyone associated with Ahab and even baits devotees of Baal into joining him at the Le Gamaar Cinema for a screening of Nation’s Pride: “Ahab served Baal a little; Jehu will serve him much” (v. 18). When the film reaches its climax, he bolts the doors and torches the joint (vv. 25-27). Jehu’s bloody, prophecy-fulfilling coup establishes his 26-year reign in Israel.